I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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