I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
