Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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