I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
