By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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