do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
