TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
