This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
