I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
