Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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