the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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