The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
