end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
