we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
