So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
