Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I understand Curling. That high.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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