the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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