she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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