You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
