When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
