just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
