Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
