It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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