My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
