her vagina looked like bernie madoff
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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