when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
