Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
