Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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