haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Even my vagina gasped.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
