I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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