Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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