just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am spending my child support on dildos
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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