...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
