She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
