thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
