I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
