I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
