just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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