my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
soo... how was my night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
