just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
