I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
