Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Too much gin, very little bucket
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I fill condoms, not promises.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
