Kiss
Puke
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
