I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
