Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
