My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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