Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
