I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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