Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
