Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
