Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
