Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
