Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
