I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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