Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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