I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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