You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
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those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize