When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
