I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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