Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
